A Definition of a Godly Gentleman

My son,

There are many definitions of a gentleman. And in your lifetime, many will propose more — or possibly reject the notion of a gentleman entirely. Regardless, I have a responsibility as your earthly father to provide you (and raise you) with a definition of a gentleman that transcends any of society's "modern" interpretations. A definition founded upon the bedrock of truth placed inside all of us by a supreme deity and written down for us in his holy scriptures. These universal principles of right and wrong are a gentleman's confidence. They become his moral compass guiding him through today's tumultuous sea of subjective values and objective morality that mask truth and celebrate personal feelings.

Once these universal principles are taught, a gentleman must meticulously shape his character over his lifetime by practicing the taught virtues in the physical world around him. It is a journey rather than a destination.

My son, if your heart is wise, my heart too will be glad. My inmost being will exult when your lips speak what is right. Let not your heart envy sinners, but continue in the fear of the Lord all the day.

— Proverbs 23:15-17

Fear of the Lord

Now, there is a difference between a gentleman and a godly gentleman. And the godly gentleman has one benefit over the other: his belief in a God. Because the wisdom to actually abide in any virtuous pursuit first starts with a healthy fear of the powerful God in heaven ^1,2.

This fear is not a trembling fear of terror, but instead an act of praise bowing down in deep respect to someone greater than himself. A godly gentleman must understand that this whole world bends beneath a will not his own ³. He acknowledges God in the highest position of authority. Man is in control of what has been entrusted to him on earth, but nothing more — especially not his future ^4,5.

Therefore, he recognizes the gravity of his actions in the present, and the necessity for a Holy God to punish wrong, but also abundantly bless righteousness ⁶. But his good deeds are not a substitute for genuine faith necessary to atone for his inevitable bad deeds ⁷. For he must daily remind himself that only by the grace of Christ's deeds is he truly saved from his ⁸. If he boasts in anything, it is not in his righteousness — no! — but in his weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon and work through him ⁹.

In all things, grateful awe is a godly gentleman's proper attitude towards his God and Savior.

Integrity

Before a gentleman ever interacts with the world, he has already decided in his mind how he will conduct himself. This is his integrity, the bedrock upon which a gentleman's entire character is built. For he acts rightly even in solitude — when the eyes of the whole world are turned away ¹⁰.

A man with integrity places his steps confidently ¹¹. No matter how much pressure is offered to follow wickedness disguised, he trusts his moral compass. He does not seek approval from others; he is not envious of men who gain their wealth by sinful ways ^12,13. His self-worth remains constant, for it is found not in himself or his possessions, but in Christ's completed sacrifice for him. This unwavering integrity brings him peace amidst personal restraint ¹⁴.

He does well to recognize alluring temptations or immediate desires and turns away at the first sight of their evil ^15,16,17. He prioritizes the purity of his heart ^18,19. He surrounds himself with wise friends who can give life-giving reproof, while foolish friends bring him only ruin ²⁰. He gives no attention to those who utter profane language or share perverse thoughts ²¹. He is wary of most things that happen after dark. Instead, he trains for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come ²². Emotions do not control his decision-making. Logic, gentleness, and eternity dictate his actions rather than anger, frustration, or blind excitement ^23,24,25.

In his conversations, a man of integrity bridles his tongue ²⁶. He shares only what is necessary with his audience ²⁷. Honesty is his first impulse ²⁸. His verbal commitments become an unbreakable bond that his peers learn to depend on ²⁹. He profits considerably from his reputation as a man who can be trusted. When responsibilities begin to increase, he takes pleasure in finishing his tasks, even trivial ones, with the same standard of diligence, since he knows he is ultimately working for the glory of the Lord and not for any man ³⁰. When both convenience and expedience tempt many to compromise, the gentleman stands firm on his personal discipline.

Thus, a gentleman's integrity is displayed, in all respects, as a model of good works. His integrity, dignity, and sound speech cannot be condemned, and he puts his opponents to shame seeing they have nothing evil to say about him ^31,32. Sadly, he is not surprised when the wicked suddenly begin to hate him for his righteousness without any good reason ^33,34,35.

Respect

Once a gentleman commits to love God with all his heart, soul, and mind first, he can then begin to rightly love his neighbor as himself ³⁶. Thus, he shows mutual respect to every individual because he recognizes the same inherent worth and dignity of every soul that is created in the divine image of God ³⁷.

He keeps his eyes continually focused on his company. He can recollect the name to whom he is speaking. He interprets everything for the best and gives no ear to slander or gossip against others ³⁸. His undivided attention is the most valuable thing he has to give. He learns a great deal about a person by listening — truly listening — and seldom making himself prominent in conversation, except to inquire ^39,40. He notes their interests, hopes, dreams, fears, and insecurities, empathizing with them in their joys and sorrows ⁴¹. Only then can he genuinely make them feel loved, valued, and a meaningful part of his life — even if their sole interaction lasts only a few minutes ⁴².

A gentleman's respect is often acted out as chivalry towards his fellow kindred. He opens doors for women, offers his seat to elders, and lends a helping hand to neighbors, not as a display of superiority, but a sincere expression of his care for the well-being of others ⁴³. Every act of courtesy — usually small, often unnoticed — is a simple reflection of Christ's willingness to put the needs and comfort of others before his own ^44,45. No one is too "below him" to receive his help because he considers himself equal with all people who are united under the same Lord ⁴⁶. No interaction is too "ordinary" to not deserve his full presence. He gains much wisdom, maturity, and influence from submitting and learning from others who are wiser, more experienced, or hold higher positions of authority ⁴⁷.

A gentleman maintains a neat outward appearance appropriate for the situation, not out of vanity, but out of respect for who he represents as an ambassador: Jesus Christ ^48,49. His wardrobe, grooming, and even facial expressions are silent communicators of the respect he has for others and himself wherever he travels. He appropriately factors in the season, the occasion, and his own style — in proportion with his means — to embody a well-dressed man.

Humility

A gentleman obtains lasting happiness in life when he realizes he cannot and will not know everything ⁵⁰. Too many men finish their life filled with rage, bitterness, and misery simply because they refuse to humble themselves towards others ⁵¹. Instead, with a modest view of his own importance in the world, a gentleman is free to admit that everyone he will ever meet will know or possess something he doesn't — and he is okay with that ⁵².

Thus, he is slow to speak in discussions — for the speaker may share a new perspective he hasn't considered ³⁹. He intentionally uses his words to build others up rather than tear them down — in case he may come to rely on that person in the future ²¹. He speaks graciously with everyone he meets, even when they don't deserve it — so that many might see the grace all people can receive in Christ ⁵³. He is patient with others' mistakes and shortcomings — in case he may require their patience with his shortcomings next. He is quick to admit his mistakes — using his honest confession to initiate better ideas or sincere forgiveness. He acknowledges the contributions of others and rejoices with them in their achievements — because any feelings of envy and resentment ruin relationships. He is not envious of his neighbor's belongings ⁵⁴, but rather grateful for what he has been entrusted with today — cognizant that those gifts from above are not guaranteed to be there tomorrow ⁵⁵. He refrains from bragging about his own accomplishments, possessions, or status, preferring to let his actions speak for themselves — as this would put the focus on himself rather than the goal of humbly putting others first ⁵⁶.

A gentleman considers wealth, health, luxury, and safety as relative; they are all just a comparison between what he has and what other people have. If he allowed his expectations to rise as fast as his circumstances, even though everything was getting better around him, he would never be content. Therefore, he sets reasonable expectations for the people and things around him so that he can live happily in appreciation for who he is, what he has, and where he resides at this moment ^57,58,59,60.

In contentment, a gentleman finds peace and happiness: in appreciation, his God gets the glory as his continual provider.

The greatest honor given to a gentleman is being called a gentleman by other people, but that honor is only conferred after humility is on display ^61,62.

Excellence

Independence

One day, a boy will leave his birth home ⁶³ and embark on his own journey as an independent man to create a new home in this world. His sphere of responsibility initially starts with himself, but may grow to include a wife, children, and children's children. Before this happens, a gentleman must learn to believe in his own abilities independently of other people and act upon it. He is confident he can accomplish great things through Christ's strength in him ⁶⁴, but this does not mean he revels in the isolation of beating everyone to the top of the podium ⁶⁵. Rather, he finds sustainable strength to accomplish great things by standing alongside others. For if he falls, the other is there to lift him up. And both can share in the reward ⁶⁶.

Curiosity

A gentleman never stops learning about the world around him. His favorite activity is asking questions, yet relatively few are actually spoken aloud. With each question about the natural world, he ponders the thoughts of God after Him; and each discovery reveals another detail of God's masterful design of the universe to him. Yet, he acknowledges the fallibility of human reason too, trusting careful and humble investigation instead of his own notions. He avoids using labels to describe a person and chooses not to take offense when someone uses labels to describe his complex thoughts. Rather, he is curious to find out their intended meaning behind the label in order to seek mutual understanding with them. He is open to criticism. If someone shows him where he is wrong, he changes ^59,67. He calmly adapts around petty annoyances that are beyond his control ⁶⁸. He looks for opportunities to turn life's challenges, failures, and tragedies somehow into good ⁶⁹. And with each trial endured, it gets easier and easier for him to trust God's faithfulness to help him get through the next tribulation ^70,9,71.

Exploration

God made this world to be explored, hiding mysteries under rocks, high in trees, and across foreign lands ⁷². Therefore, a gentleman is not afraid to make calculated risks, travel to unfamiliar cities, or greet unknown faces who approach. He heeds his Savior's command to make disciples of every nation ⁷³ by intentionally seeking out and inviting all sinners to know and enjoy the same love of Christ he receives ^74,75. Sure, his risks always carry the potential for discomfort and inconveniences, but the reward, especially eternally, eclipses the temporary ⁷⁶.

Leadership

Seeing his courage, others may choose to follow him, and he may choose to lead them. If he does, he leads like a servant, not a strong-handed master ^77,78,79,80. He occupies himself in removing the obstacles which hinder the natural actions of those around him. He utters few commands — except what is strictly necessary ⁸¹ — preferring to concur with their movements, so that their impending work might still progress without him.

Hard Work

But a gentleman is not averse to wielding his own shovel, shedding his own sweat, and enduring long hours to assist in digging a ditch. He quickly moves past mere talk knowing there is profit to be gained from toil ⁸². Therefore, he makes the best use of his time ⁸³. He sets goals for his day. He thinks in decades but acts in days. In whatever he does, he is not working necessarily for any human owner, but he works his hardest for the Lord ³⁰.

When someone promises sudden wealth to be gained by cunning schemes, he has the right to be suspicious ⁸⁴. He understands the limitless value of hard work that increases little by little, and he is prudent not to quickly squander it. He operates his finances on a budget — what comes in must be greater than or equal to what goes out ⁸⁵. His patient, consistent laboring will leave an inheritance to his children's children one day ⁸⁶.

And yet, he is careful not to find enjoyment in the vanity of his amassed fortune, but in the simple act of toiling itself and the natural pleasure of food and drink it provides ⁸⁷. For in the end, everything he has built and acquired with wisdom and knowledge and skill must be left to someone who did not toil for it ⁸⁸.

Discernment

He keeps a discerning eye trained on the world as he walks among it. His mind stays sober at all times ⁸⁹. He notices people's comings and goings, the inconsistencies in their character, and the hesitations of their voice ⁹⁰. He does not mistake a confident explanation for an accurate prediction. He exercises his own control over how and what he thinks, remaining conscious and aware of the times when someone is attempting to own his attention ⁹¹. He is hyper vigilant to foresee his adversaries' cunning and deceitful schemes, knowing God's enemy, the Devil, prowls around like a lion seeking someone to devour through bad influences, bad doctrine, and bad decisions ⁹².

Persuasiveness

If he does engage in controversy, a gentleman's speech is judicious and his lips are persuasive ⁹³. He places himself into the mind of his opponent, and he accounts for their mistakes. He employs sound logic to dictate the outcome. He wastes no time on silly debates. He quickly disengages anyone who seeks an argument, blunders the argument, or makes the argument bigger than necessary. He instead focuses on promoting action on the issues that will advance godliness in the world ²².

Responsibility

Considering a godly gentleman is created by God and saved from eternal death by Jesus' own death on a cross, his fundamental purpose in life becomes bringing his God more glory in all that he does ⁹⁴. This responsibility to serve God and love others is not burdensome — as some might suggest — but actually a privilege, being set apart for God's purposes ⁹⁵. The best way he knows how to do this is by putting other people's needs before his own ⁹⁶. He takes each of his roles and obligations seriously, knowing that his actions will directly shape the world around him and his decisions will have far-reaching consequences. Therefore, he does not fall into the falsehood that this day, or any day, is merely another ambiguous and plodding twenty-four hours, but rather a unique event, filled — if he wishes — with worthy potentialities to embrace the strange glory of ordinary things ⁹⁷.

As a Neighbor

He makes himself available, even if it requires adjusting his schedule. He asks about his family's day, week, month, or year in order to involve himself in their life. He is attentive enough to offer his help when a buddy is struggling or overwhelmed. He respects a brother's request for time, space, or service. His wise advice is sweetness to a friend ⁹⁸. He views his things as things to be shared, especially if it brings immediate benefit to a stranger. He falls into bed exhausted but content, knowing he has successfully poured himself into the welfare of others.

As a Lover

He keeps a woman's well-being at heart at all times. He shows every honor to her as a co-heir in the grace of life, and also as the weaker physique ⁹⁹. His words are kind; his touch is soft ¹⁰⁰. He makes his presence a constant source of comfort, the complete opposite of toxic ownership or domineering. He supports her by actively listening to her, without immediately trying to solve her problem. He expresses his own emotions back to her. In marriage, he loves his wife like his own body ¹⁰¹. He values his wife's opinions greatly, for there is power in her divinely appointed role as his helper ¹⁰². He makes it known that she is cherished above all other women ¹⁰³. He remains so intoxicated in her love that all thoughts of infidelity feel inferior ¹⁰⁴. His love is so strong that he would surrender any part of his lifestyle — even his whole life — for her well-being ¹⁰⁵.

As a Shepherd

The strength of his guiding hand lies not in force but in quiet assurance that he will provide a safe haven for his relatives in their times of uncertainty ¹⁰⁶. He accompanies his family, walking alongside them, ever watchful and ever ready to do everything in his power to guard his family from any evil that seeks to destroy it. For if Satan can destroy the family, Satan wins a mighty battle. Therefore, he is extra vigilant to shield his family from evil culture that tries to sneak into the home, especially through the veil of screens. He continuously instructs his family in the right way of the Lord. They do not require him to be their preacher, but he does minister to their hearts by pouring out his with them ^107,108. And if necessary, he is ready to lay down his life for their safety, just as Christ did for him when he conquered death ¹⁰⁹.

Most importantly, a gentleman does not carry upon himself the burden to be perfect all the time, but instead claims responsibility for his failures and takes ownership for the things he can control: his actions, knowledge, and attitude in the world ¹¹⁰.

Conclusion

My son, you will fail, but your Heavenly Father will not abandon you ¹¹¹. Your earthly father fails all the time. Your ability to do any of this does not come from "more willpower," but only from the Lord and his Spirit that works among you ^112,113.

And remember, you don't need to "do" anything to be right with the Lord. The actions of a gentleman merely result from your obedience of genuine faith ^114,115. For all are justified by faith alone, but a faith that justifies is never alone.

A gentleman rightly discerns from the accumulated wisdom and folly of past generations that the path of virtue is not fashioned by his own design, but received and cultivated — generation by generation — as an inheritance worth more than any earthly fortune.

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, [my son], be all the more diligent to confirm your calling and election, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

— 2 Peter 1:5-11

Your earthly father,C.T. Sinclair